Using Empathy to Stop The Fighting In Your Relationship!

Being selective in your battles is very important for sometimes peace is better than being right.

Lady training for a fight!

In love there is war. We don't really want to talk about it, we don't really want to see it as an inevitable part of a relationship especially in the beginning stages but it is there, it is real and boy is it UGLY!

I've been married close to 10 years now and it has been a totally wonderful, romantic, loving relationship fueled by a lot of fights, arguments, disagreements and of course the silent treatment. The familiar arena of the battle field always looms by on the heads of every couple out there. Having repeated hostile interactions with the person we supposedly love creates misery and emotional distress for both partners. There’s a lot we can learn that explains why we fall into an unnecessary cycle of fighting and that will help us break this destructive cycle. But first we have to recognize that there is a pattern and it exists. There are so many reasons why we fght or argue the way we do, sometimes its as little as just wanting to prove a point. Other times it runs as deep as stemming from the crevices deep within our childhood or past experiences. Wherever it might be coming from, it is important to begin to look into it deeply to gain clarity in understanding where it is coming from and why it comes...ever so frequently

When I and my Husband started dating oh my word, tralala, it was ladidah! It was love, kisses, cupcakes and rainbows all day everyday. I was on a high that I know wasn't even legally allowed and I can safely say it was one of the happiest moments in my life. So you can imagine when the fights started creeping in, not only was I rudely shaken down from my love reverie, but I was confused and this confusion subsequently became anger and then the rusty old pattern began to take shape. The arguement started out in trickles and then like an avalanche they droned in fast and very furious. Now because Hubby had done certain things that hurt me really deeply, when there would be an argument say for instance about the dishes or something light, my default was to get started like a generator on the low rumble of the upset at hand and then my anger quickly garners and gathers momentum landing smack back in the middle of that hurt and pain he caused me.

The hurt and pain he caused me became my go-to arena of pain. Yes it did cause me significant hurt and distrust but I had the choice of how I allowed it affect my present and future. It almost became like the comfort of a sore thumb to me. When I wanted to feel sorry for my self I would "crawl into my hurt cave" or during an argument I would whip it out with the gallant pride of an FBI agent during a drug bust, outsmarting and of course arresting the culprits. In this case the culprit is of course my Husband because when I whip out this "FBI CARD" of mine, he would look just as shocked as the caught drug lords and that constantly won me the argument. It was my thump card, the ace up my sleeve, my winning hand in a poker game...and with my faded rugged FBI suit and tired sunglasses, I whipped it out again, again and again.

Did it help me? No..Did it build me? Nope. Did it serve me in the long, medium or short term? No...

Did it make me feel better? Yes but this was momentarily and so the big question comes IS FIGHTING ACTUALLY REALLY WORTH IT?

Don't be so quick to say No. Yes the answer is NO. So you are right it is actually NOT WORTH THE TIME, EFFORT & DRAINING ENERGY we put into fighting. So why then do we and millions of other couples out there and indeed people all over the world fight when in our rational calm altitude we know and agree it is not worth breaking a sweat over??

It's being confronted by a real live happening scenario of the beginnings of a fight. Its often too juicy to let go of, as we go through the phases from trying to get ourselves understood to the big one...wait for it...TRYING TO PROVE A POINT...OUR POINT!

I go through this circle all the time and I can safely say I am just tired. I am tired of arguing and proving my point and I find myself back on that road again regurgitating a pattern that has become all too familiar and one I have come to hate. And the aftermath of a feuding argument? You feel like a sack of potatoes that have been left outside of a restaurant overnight in the thundering rain. Like moldy crap...

So what can help us? What can help us beat this pattern and change it so we can stand like mini gurus in our own right and help others to crawl and come out of the darkness of this cave of useless fighting?

Empathy. it turns out that empathy is the antidote to anger in relationships. As such, feelings of empathy also fuel natural anxiety reduction. Not only will you hopefully come to an understanding with your partner, you will both feel calmer.

Empathy, as such, fosters unity, transforming narcissistic into conjoined, and dismay into understanding. Lacking empathy for each other in the relationship will result in constant upsets. Partners would be well served to operate from the assumption that their partner does the best they know how based upon the manner in which they view themselves, each other, and the world. This does not mean that either partner needs to condone bad behavior by the other. It does infer that everyone operates in accordance with the way they see themselves, others, and the world in general. If a person possesses a negative view of people and holds the world as a dangerous or scary place, their actions will be in direct alignment with such views. When they are successful in altering their perspective, they can easily alter their actions and the results they manifest and produce will be ultimately different.

I get so upset when my husband does something to me and I go "Why would you do this and treat me this way??" But when empathy kicks in and you incorporate it as mad as you might be in that moment of being upset and hurt. You first begin to put yourself away from the equation and first understand that as much as you both might be together as couple...He is very different from you. And so different means different in approaching problems, solving problems and bringing about solutions to problems as well. That is why it is so important for partners to embrace the value of personal development. It gives us a clearer more meaningful perspective on the behavioral tendencies prevalent in ourselves and also in those around us.

When partners learn the value of possessing empathy, that is, an appreciation for what it is like in the other person’s shoes, their perspective can immediately shift from that of a victim to that of an inquirer.

Allow me to explain… one partner can always choose to ask the question in the moment of a potentially upsetting situation, “What must my partner be thinking for them to say or act as they did?” By realizing that people do whatever they do in an effort to survive and thrive in the world, a partner can give up their right to take what their partner did or said personally. They can instead realize that 99% of any upset is about the person upset, and only 1% about the person who is supposedly causing the upset.

They can give up their right to be offended, give up their need to react in an emotionally negative manner, and choose an interpretation that keeps them in a healthy relationship with their partner. By realizing that upsets are all about interpretations and in any moment, you can give your partner the benefit of the doubt. You can find their odd behavior interesting rather than offensive. By not reacting to your partner, you will avoid throwing fuel on an angry fire. You will decide to be proactive rather than reactive. You will choose empowering meanings over those that make you angry, sad, or afraid.

By developing such a habit, you will be choosing harmony for your relationship and giving up your need to react in a way that damages it further. Those partners who listen to be easily offended or invalidated cause great stress within the relationship. Listening this way results in the other partner having to walk on eggshells in an effort to try to avoid ‘causing’ the easily offended partner’s upset. When one partner is easily upset, offended or invalidated, it really doesn’t matter what the other partner says or does.

Strengthen your relationship by realizing that your partner can say whatever they wish without you taking it to heart, reacting negatively, or being upset by it. It does not mean that you must agree with their perspective. Upsets are often sourced in misguided opinions. This drama kills intimacy, destroys trust, and builds resentment. You will not likely be able to change how your partner sees things so relinquish your right to try. When you can ‘hear’ whatever they may say without allowing their words to offend you or invalidate you, you will possess far greater personal power and enhance your ability to get them to see things in a different way. By not reacting negatively, you enhance your effectiveness and allow any upsets to remain theirs alone. This non-attachment to the opinions, judgments, or remarks of your partner will free you from the downward spiral of reacting in a way that diminishes your effectiveness, destroys your self-esteem, and harms your relationship.

So the challenge in this "Secret Club of Empathy" is to simply put it into practice. The challenge therefore is use empathy as a tool in breaking the pattern of arguments and fights. Upon every opportunity for a fight, do not react instead bring empathy into play and secretly document any and everything you notice.

After the week runs out, you as the only member of your secret club , quietly call for a club meeting and evaluate if there are any victories or positive changes noticed during the week past on if empathy worked for you individually. If it did, scale your challenge up by another week, then two weeks, then a month and subsequently 3 months etc.

It is important to start on a small scale, evaluate, analyze and judge before continuing on. You can also drop me a line as I will also give you my honest results on my own challenge as well.

Too resentful towards your partner t do this? Don't worry we will tackle resentment and pent-up emotions in another article. For now just as Johnny Walker illustrates...one step at a time...

Happy empathy challenge week!